one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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