Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
