ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
3pm strippers are depressing
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
