I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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