So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
