I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
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She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
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Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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