i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
