Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
