Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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