so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
