While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
