he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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