we have pet lesbian snakes
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
