He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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