if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
