If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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