My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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