Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
