I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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