saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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