Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
