I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
