I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
