I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
