I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
