I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Someone shattered a urinal.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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