he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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