I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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