I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
