Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
