I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Randomize
