It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
