After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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