Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
