when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
