I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
