For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
