sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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