Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
