I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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