Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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