Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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