I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
