i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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