I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
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I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
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I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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