After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
