she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
