What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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