My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
