I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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