I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
