I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
