what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
