having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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