One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
