Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
