Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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