he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
