The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
