Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
