I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
