I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
