this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
