He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
